Defeating Depression...Alone.
/“…reaching out to my friends about my depression gets ignored completely. Even with the best of people.”
As I read her words in the comments section of an already extremely sensitive and vulnerable post, I was floored by the replies.
”You need new friends.”
”Your friends are trash, f***k them.”
”They don’t deserve you, and you deserve better.”
All well intended to make her feel good and to call her friends out, but as someone who’s personally experienced this same reaction to a plea for help, I came with a different reply…
Instead of bashing her friends, I shared a lesson I’ve learned in dealing with my own cycles — which is: you have to learn how to dig yourself out of the hole.
I know, it’s so much easier to blame others for not coming to rescue us in our dark moments. But in these times when everyone has their own troubles to deal with, is it fair to expect them to always save us? I mean, God forbid, we learn solely to depend on others to make it out of our cycles of depression — and then one day when we need them the most, they’re nowhere to be found. What happens then?
Our friends don’t have access to magical words that we can’t utter, or to a God that only answers their prayers. We have the power of life and death in our own tongues — so let’s use it.
We have to learn to save ourselves.
If we were talking about business, money, or singleness, we would not even be questioning how swiftly we should “go for it” on our own. But because it’s emotional support, it’s easier to think with our codependent mind and demand attention and assistance.
Easy to say, but a little selfish to feel.
Yes, there are days when we need our friends. Yes, we should definitely reach out when it’s harder or darker than usual. But also understand, everyone is living a life filled with its own dark days, trials, and victories too. So if they can’t be there once or twice, be okay with that and take control over what is trying to bring you down. There are a few things that I practice to help me do that — and who knows, maybe they’ll be helpful for you too.
Think about what you’re thinking about.
Hear me clearly: there’s no thought that enters your mind that has the right to bring you down. Literally take hold of it, embrace it, and resolve it. For example, The thought: I can’t do anything right. Embrace it: I’m only thinking this because I messed up that email, but it’s okay. I’m human. Resolve it: I didn’t get this 100% right, and that’s fine, lesson learned. Plus, look at everything else I accomplished this week!
Make a list of things that bring you unfiltered joy.
These don’t have to be things that require loads of energy, just a simple checklist that relaxes your mind and bring you comfort. When you feel yourself spiraling (you know when it’s coming), grab that list and ease your way through it. Don’t rush any of it, and don’t feel obligated to go in order. Just jump into whatever you feel the most connected to, at the moment. Here are a few things on my list:
Painting.
Journaling.
Taking a candlelit bubble bath.
Watching a feel-good show/movie.
Pray - and if you don’t feel like it…pray anyway.
In these moments, we tend to feel like our emotions are out of our control.
They. Are. Not. So take a moment to ask God, by whatever name you may call Him (for me, it’s “Abba”), to remind you of who you were created to be. Don’t make this a pseudo-religious moment, that’s not what you need. Call on Him in your rawness and go to Him as you are and be vulnerable. More vulnerable than you have ever been with a friend, more vulnerable than you will ever be any person on earth. He took the time to make you and knows how many hairs are on your head — so do you really think He isn’t concerned about your spout with depression? Lay it out before Him and ask, seek, embrace the peace of God. You deserve to be better and to get out of your own head — and in an intimate moment with God is the perfect time to do that. Let go and let it out. He just wants to hear you express what He already sees in your heart, so He can help you sort it out. Let Him.
All in all, I’m not saying that you can’t or shouldn’t call on your friends. Instead, I want you to realize that just because your friends aren’t available doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. You are not doomed if someone doesn’t reply to your text the way you want them to, if at all, or if they don’t return your call.
You are able, capable, and equipped to bring yourself out of the cycle — and in this case, practice makes progress.
Give it a shot.
You’ve got this.
XO,
Ces